29 April 2010

Wings Kitchen Cupboards

This afternoon I made three dozen two-inch Double Chocolate Chunk cookies with a Betty Crocker® mix that I found in Wings' kitchen cupboards. The cookies were excellent, although admittedly the mix might have been “BETTER IF USED BY 12SEP08” as indicated on the package. Which brings me to another interesting and entertaining facet of short term residence here.

We are going to bait the animal trap with those Kraft Jet-Puffed® marshmallows, vintage 2005, from that open bag. Rick told us that marshmallows are excellent for that purpose.

I myself am not overly finicky about the phoney dates on packaged foodstuffs. I do not throw out stuff that feels wet until it stinks, and I do not throw out stuff that feels dry until visible mold is growing on it. I have finished off the box of Kashi® (The Seven Whole Grain Company) Organic Promise Autumn Wheat® shredded wheat that would have been “BEST IF USED BEFORE NOV 05 2007.” I used milk that was only slightly sour and certainly palatable after being leavened with confectioners' powdered sugar.

Why does Wings need two very large bags of confectioners' powdered sugar when there is not a teaspoonful of regular sugar in the house? Was that simply a mistake?

Wings's kitchen cupboards are incredibly well stocked. Lots of packaged mixes and canned goods. These things, however, as well as the contents of the refrigerator, are so old that they qualify as collectables—except for the frozen pizzas and the beer.

Some of this stuff is downright strange. I have in front of me a package of Certified Organic Whole Grain wheat flower by Hodgson Mill® dated 09 23 07, not old enough to be left over from the short residential era here of the last sorely disillusioned female. According to the packaging, this flower serves “TO HELP REDUCE THE RISK OF HEART DISEASE AND CERTAIN CANCERS.” I am mystified. I can assure you that Wings does not give a shit about heart disease or cancer, conditions that afflict mere mortals and with which he himself is only vaguely familiar.

Not only that, there are boxes of Milled Flax Seed and Vital Wheat Gluten by the same manufacturer, all carefully stored in large Hefty® OneZip bags. I am sure that the Hefty® bags were the work of Wings' sainted mama, who checks in here once in a while to fight the good fight. Rather than simply unzip the Hefty® OneZip bag housing the box of Organic Whole Grain wheat flower, Wings simply tore a hole in the side of that bag and the side of the box to get at the flower for some reason lost in antiquity, perhaps to grant varmints easier access.

The only explanation that I can come up with for the presence of these high end, hippie-dippie baking supplies in Wings' cupboards is that somebody on the golf course told him that baked goods made with this stuff would improve his game. So he raced out and purchased a bunch of organic flower and gluten, and that is as far as it went.

There are two large cans of Sweet Harvest® cherry pie filling in the cupboard that were packaged during the Ford Administration. (Actually, to be perfectly truthful, it was 2002, well before the short residential era here of the last sorely disillusioned female.) Now, Wings has never made cookies in his life, let alone cherry pie. I cannot tell you how laughable is the idea of Wings laboring over a cherry pie even with canned filling and a prefab pie shell.

These are only some examples among the myriad available. I did ask Wings what crosses his mind when he is in a grocery and purchases this stuff. He responded by informing me that Robinson Cano of the New York Yankees is going to win the batting title this season.


Anonymous said...

The only thing making me slightly uncomfortable about this post is that I know people much like your friend.

MM said...

I've done a lot of baking but have never used organic wheat flower. Hmmm...Using flour ground from whole wheat works best for me. Could drinking slightly sour milk affect one's spelling ability?

Bloggerboy said...

Flax seed is a good source of fiber and Omega 3 fats. My German father-in-law took a tablespoon or two every day of corasely ground flax seed. The German word is Leinsamen.

Señor Steve said...

I would not be opposed to trying this stuff myself. I should not have disparaged it as "hippie, dippie" baking ingredients.

It's just that it is so bizarre to find it in Wings' cupboard. Someone with very good intentions put it there, but I could not get a straight answer from him as to why it is there in HIS cupboard. This remains a mystery as do so many other things in life.