12 May 2009

Spending Money

One of the efforts that I have been undertaking on this sojourn is to focus on the good things in life—to accentuate the positive, as I said in an entry of some weeks back. I need to count my blessings, and here is a blessing that I included in the count as I was having coffee this morning on my back porch watching the NASCAR drivers on the blacktop out front drive to work.

I have had a lot of fun spending money. It appears to me that spending money causes some people physical pain. You know the types. These are the folks who when quoted a price on something wince a little bit. Just the thought of spending that money puts them into a state of discomfort. It does not make any difference if the amount quoted is an absolutely fair price for the article or service in question. In fact the price could be an absolute bargain. Then the spending of the money causes them actual physical pain. God, I feel so sorry for those folks. Thank you, Jesus, for sparing me from a lifetime of that suffering that those people must endure.

Because I love to spend money. One of the great pleasures of my life has been the spending of every last cent that I have ever laid my hands on. I love the anticipation of spending the money. I love the spending of the money. And I love reminiscing about spending the money.

Spending cash is the most fun, although runing up charge card balances will do if you are short on cash. The fine art of charge card spending is a subject for another day. Let me simply say here that I have never spent someone else's money that they themselves did not push me into spending, nay, nearly force me to spend, what with their “Introductory APR”'s and “No Interest on Balance Transfers for Six Months” and such. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

No, spending cash is the most fun. There is nothing quite like the feel of a wad of cash in your pocket. That is why I have always favored using a money clip rather than storing cash in my wallet. When I was drinking I had a problem holding on to small items like lighters and store-bought money clips. So most of the time my money clip consisted of a large paper clip, but that works just fine. When you are really in fat city, you can go to a rubber band. The point is the feel of the wad in your pocket. I have been wont to refer to it as having “an ass pocket full of money.”

Also, I love to lick my thumb and deal twenties off that wad. I mean it. I really do love that. It makes my smile muscles hurt. It makes me feel as if I am somebody. Heaven is a wad of hundreds and the wherewithall to deal hundreds off that wad after licking your thumb. Working folks do not have that opportunity often—walking around money in the form of a real wad of hundreds—so when it comes, we need to take advantage of it. It is exhilarating.

It's like, “Look at all this money that I have worked hard earning, folks. Now nearly everyone knows that if you work hard in America, you can earn some money. However, very few people know how to do that money justice in the spending of it. Ladies and gentlemen, I am now going to give you a little exhibition in spending money with style and authority.”

Ernest Hemingway was right. If you want service people to remember you fondly, peel American dollars off a wad and tip the bejesus out of them. Tip them until they are embarrassed. If you do that two or three times at the same establishment, the service people will wet themselves with pleasure at your next appearance. They will start to call you by name. Ernest Hemingway guaranteed it. I guarantee it. It is good to feel welcome.

There is only one tiny down side to this whole thing. Life is fragile and fleeting. There are falls in the bath tub. There are car collisions. There are drive-by shootings. There is an infinite variety in manners of unexpected deaths. So I must live with this constant little nagging dread that I might die unexpectedly with some money left in my pocket. But this is the way that I have to look at that. There must be some payback for every pleasure in life, and I guess that is the payback I must make for the great pleasure I have derived from the spending of money, the fear that I might not get it all spent.

Ah, I could go on and on about the different ways that spending money has produced pleasure for me, each differing from the other only in nuance. Spending money has been such a delight for me that I absolutely must count it as one of the great blessings granted me. It is thusly now counted.

Chuck, I know you liked the new belt buckle in the closeup, so I wanted you to be able to savor the full effect. Those are Levi's though. See above.


mr_wingert said...

you're making my damn smile muscles hurt

Steve said...

Scottie, I can't think of anything you absolutely must bring that you could not buy down here cheaply if you need it.

Please remind Spike to throw an ax and a wedge in the trunk of the Chrysler.

I have a fantastic hat picked out for you at Tony's Hat Shop.

Anonymous said...

That Hemingway paragraph alone was worthy of Papa, Steve.

M. Hlas

spike said...

May I add, everyone around you has fun, with or without the ass pocket full of money.......but the ass pocket full of money doesn't suck.

Steve said...

Aw, shucks, gents. Thank you. I mean it.

Scottie, there is one item you will need to bring, come to think of it--your University of Oklahoma tee. Those are pretty hard to come by here.

Chuck said...

I'm loving your new found enjoyment of all things Texas, Go Cowboys! That is a heck of belt buckle.

However, as frugal saver I cringe at spending money comments. It is this overconsumption lack of savings thinking that got us into this economic crisis. I realize that overconsumption is what is needed to get us out but long term you need to think about tomorrow and make sure you have enough to get you by otherwise you will be working your entire life, or living in one of those nursing homes you see on 20/20, not one of the nicer ones :)

I'm assuming when you run out of money you will be raking my beach and living in my basement in San Diego?

spike said...

I don't know you Chuck, but I'm sure you make a lot of people happy in your life. That said, I disagree with your post tonight. This adventure, that Steve is on, is not about being left or right, it's about somebody that has the nerve to live. Sorry Uncle Steve, I'm talking like your not in the room.